   
Thirty, at last!
When I was younger, the thought of turning thirty made my chest feel tight as if time were slipping by just a little too fast for me to even get a breath. Edgar Allen Poe writes in his poem Dream within a Dream:I stand amid the roar What I have come to realize is that when life feels like it is slipping through my fingers like grains of golden sand, I have not been living a full-bodied experience. This usually means I am rushed and distracted, detached and emotionally unavailable. It means I have put expectations and goals before heart and love. It means I have forgotten to feel, see, smell and taste the beauty around me. Sadly, this is how I spent my early twenties. But, the last few years, part by circumstance and part by choice, I have shown up in my life and said - teach. I am learning to listen less to the voices of the world and more to my own inner voice - the world be damned. It is an act of bravery. At first, it wasn't easy. My soul kept whispering phrases like - the wind in the trees and the laughter of children. It's hard to show up for yourself when your deepest yearning is to watch the clouds and listen to the cicadas, rather than clicking to work with a fresh-pressed suit, brief case and cup of hot coffee. But I was fortunate to be able to hear the deepest yearning of my truth. I'm not sure all of us do. Of course, the catch is that when your truth is perpendicular to your reality, listening to your heart can be overwhelmingly inconvenient. It can be a hard task to bend your reality to match your truth. It takes courage to change and a willingness to think outside the box. But it must be done because it is impossible to bend your truth to match your reality. Truth just is. It doesn't bend, but if you don't treat it with respect it will break. I was lucky. My search for truth brought me to a new shore, burned my boat so there was no going back and said - live. It was an utter destruction. And it was the most beautiful thing that ever happened to me. Much like the caterpillar in chrysalis, I was broken down, dissolved, reformed, transformed and born anew. Now, I start my day by watching the clouds and listening to the cicadas. I end the night by counting stars and tasting the cool dark air in my mouth. I have claimed the meaning of my life, and I manage to still get all my responsibilities done. Imagine that. That's why turning thirty no longer feels like a tightness in my chest. It is a celebration of the last decade and all I've learned and accomplished. It is a celebration of bravery and overcoming adversary. I've learned that energy is my precious commodity and I am no longer willing to waste it on filler - or activities that just take up space in my life without enriching it. Case in point: there are much less social gatherings where people talk at each other instead of with each other because they are too drunk to know the difference; there is much more sitting on a Saturday afternoon giggling and sharing secrets with my 11 year-old niece because I am honored to share this journey with her. That's substance. Watching the wind rustle through my deep fushia Crepe Mertyle. That's enriching. And I've learned that I'm a glutton for the good stuff... These days I can only show up and be present for the stuff that moves my soul. Luckily, there **are** things that move my soul -- how about yours? So, I'm thirty at last and over the years I've learned one thing - the deep soul-satisfying meaning of life can only be found by a journey inward, and it is a journey we take alone no matter how inconvenient it is. But in the end, it opens you up to new life, new health and new love. At least, that is what it did for me. So, it's no surprise that I'm looking forward to another ten years. I'm looking forward to the beauty and the heartache, the simple and the complex, the magic amid the mundane. I am willing. I am here. I am ready. Comments  |
